Third Person of Trinity Announces
Fines for Misuse of His Name
By George Halitzka, Heaven Correspondent
CELESTIAL CITY — In an unprecedented public appearance, the Third Person of the Trinity appeared at the Pearly Gates today to announce a new policy directed at Christians improperly invoking His name.
“I usually prefer operating behind the scenes,” said the Holy Spirit, in a still, small voice. “But people have gone too far. I’m getting blamed for things I had nothing to do with!”
The Spirit, manifesting Himself simultaneously as a tongue of fire and a mighty rushing wind, proceeded to enumerate His grievances. “Last week, Pastor Hutchison of First Christian in Sioux Falls said I led him to preach on violence in the media. That’s an okay topic, but I was really hoping he’d talk about humility.” The Spirit shook his head sadly. “I guess he can’t tell the difference between eating chalupas and feeling my prompting.
“And each year,” continued the Spirit, “Pat Robertson comes out with new prophesies about the end of the world. Everybody’s entitled to their opinions (even when they’re wrong), but why does Pat blame it on me? I haven’t really spoken to him since he refused to repent of running for president.”
He also described being unfairly associated with “Spirit-Led Ministries” that are more accurately described as “Self-Serving Ego Trips,” and with several church firings that arose from personality clashes rather than Divine intervention. “I didn’t have anything to do with those!” insisted the Spirit. “Next time you forget your Prozac, try not to blame me.”
In an apparent reference to Episcopalians, He said, “There are even some Christians who act like I don’t even exist! What don’t you people understand about ‘everything in moderation’?”
Penalties for Violators
The Spirit outlined several forms of Spiritual Discipline for those who inappropriately invoke His name.
“I hate to do this, but we’re being forced to institute a cash fine,” He said. “When Christians blame me for their lame ideas, I’ll take 10% of their income—yes, before taxes. That money should be mine anyway, but get real! How many of you are tithing?”
A reporter from a religious television network asked if the 10% policy has the support of other members of the Trinity. Suddenly, a thundercloud appeared over his camera, and a lightning bolt nearly struck his well-coiffed hair.
“When it comes to pastors—who make up most of the repeat offenders,” continued the Spirit, “my plan has two parts. For violators who serve in non-charismatic churches, I will cause them to speak in tongues during their next sermon. That might seem a little harsh, but God and Jesus and I are pretty serious about this one.
“For leaders in Pentecostal denominations, I’ll revoke the Second Blessing. That ought to get their attention.”
In response to a reporter’s question, the Spirit categorically denied that His frustration was primarily due to Pat Robertson. “The problem goes far beyond Pat,” He said. “How would you feel if every time a Christian ate anchovies, he called it a ‘revelation’ and blamed it on you?”
The Spirit declined to give a date when the new penalties will take effect. “Let’s just say it could happen any time,” he said. “In other words ... whenever the Spirit moves me.”
Note: The Holy Spirit spoke in various languages throughout the press conference. For clarity, each tongue has been translated into English.
This article is SATIRE. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is coincidental.
Copyright © 2007 by George Halitzka. All rights reserved.