Hundreds of Nebraskans File Lawsuits Against Lord of Universe
Officials Despair of Ever Serving Subpoenas
By George Halitzka, Correspondent
Ernie Chambers, State Senator from Nebraska, just wanted to make a point. Unfortunately, he seems to have touched off a problem of Biblical proportions.
Chambers, an avowed agnostic, recently filed a lawsuit against God in Nebraska District Court. He requested injunctive relief from hurricanes, floods, and terrorist attacks, which he believes fall under the Almighty’s control.
It seems, however, many Nebraskans have interpreted Chambers’ experiment as a legal precedent. On Friday, the line of people intending to sue God stretched around the block at the Douglas County Courthouse.
Ashley Renfro, 16, planned to file suit for breach of affection. “On my missions trip last summer, God seemed so close!” she said, holding back tears. “But ever since then, it’s like he’s on another planet. Especially when Adam Hurkem makes fun of me for carrying my Bible at school.” Renfro was seeking unspecified damages.
“I still ain’t found this ‘Abundant Life’ God promised. Right here; John 10:10,” said Josiah Perkins, 86, waving a large-print Bible above his walker. “It’s time the Lord paid up!”
Perkins was suing for a 50-year reduction in age and $2.5 million in punitive damages. He maintained that near the end of a Godly life, he’d never received the “tenfold blessing” promised by heavenly spokespersons on religious television.
Brothers Benito and Juan Juarez of Mexico traveled to Nebraska to sue God for the destruction to their Los Cabos home. It was demolished in a mudslide brought on by Hurricane Henriette. They also sought better relief efforts to aid their community in recovery from the storm.
“Those Gringos went all out to help New Orleans,” said Juan Juarez through a translator. “But what’s the response when we get hit? The tourists from Acapulco fly home and hope oil prices for their SUVs don’t go up. God can do better than that!”
Sheriff Homer Jackson, charged with serving subpoenas on all defendants in Douglas County, despaired of carrying out his duties regarding the Almighty . “I guess technically, He already knows about them,” said Jackson at a press conference. “But I’m not so sure He’s gonna pay the judgments.”
Jackson confessed, however, that he was considering a similar suit against the Lord. “Just once, I wanna see the Huskers win it all,” he said wistfully. “God could manage that.”
Suddenly, there was a flash of bright white light in the midst of the reporters. Carrying a trumpet under his arm, spokesman Gabriel Angel miraculously appeared at Jackson’s press conference.
He claimed God was unavailable for comment except through the so-called “Bible,” but said he was authorized to read from a prepared statement. “Regarding the hurricane, Yahweh sincerely regrets the storm,” Angel said, “but denies all culpability for the Global Warming which occasioned it.”
A clearly-irritated Angel refused to take questions. He suggested that inquiries about the lawsuits, and particularly post-hurricane relief efforts, be directed to the Lord’s earthly agents, the Church. “Although their job performance has been somewhat unsatisfactory of late,” Angel added under his breath.
“As for the Renfro kid,” said Angel, “God wants her to read that Bible she carries now and then—especially Job. Then we’ll see if she has anything to whine about.”
This article is SATIRE. While the first two paragraphs are taken from an actual news story, any other resemblance to actual persons or events is coincidental. Originally published in The Wittenburg Door Insider, October 2, 2007. Copyright © 2007 by George Halitzka. All rights reserved.