The Harry Seminar

NEW YORK — Several prominent scholars formerly associated with the “Jesus Seminar” today announced a new group dedicated to uncovering the historical Harry Potter. According to its founders, the group hopes to separate myth-based accounts of the boy wizard from uncontested historical records.

“I’ve joined the Harry Seminar for two major reasons,” said John Dominic Crossan, cofounder of both the Jesus and Potter groups. “First, I really like raining on people’s parades. Everyone loves Potter, and somebody has to spoil it for them. Second, the media has stopped caring about our latest votes determining whether Jesus got the hookup with Mary Magdalene. So I need new material to stay on the speaking circuit. Do you know how lousy academic salaries can be?”

Marcus Borg, the Harry Seminar’s cofounder, interrupted to explain his more altruistic line of reasoning. “Too many people are making faith-based assumptions about Harry,” he insisted. “But why should we believe the hype machine? Do you think J. K. Rowling wrote all of those books? Have you compared The Sorcerer’s Stone with The Deathly Hallows? I personally subscribe to the Two-Source Hypothesis, that Harry was drawn from the writings of Rowling and an unknown source document, ‘Q.’”

Crossan questioned whether one possibly-historical but clearly unmagical boy, Harold James Potter, could undertake all of the exploits attributed to him. “It’s obvious that many events were added by later editors,” he asserted. “It’s time to separate the Harry of faith from the Harry of history.”

According to the two men, the group will eventually include up to 200 scholars, based on the founders’ belief in the tyranny of democracy. “These will be some of the foremost Harry scholars in the world today,” Crossan said. “But naturally, anyone who believes in magic is excluded. We can’t have true believers spoiling the fun for the rest of us.”

Several protesters wearing long robes were gathered outside the press conference. One teen with frizzy hair asserted that unwarranted assumptions make the Harry Seminar hopelessly biased. “If they only admit Muggles, how can we expect them to be fair?” said Hermione Granger, 17. She then muttered an incantation which turned a nearby coatrack into a rhododendron.

The press conference concluded with a visual demonstration of the group’s methods. Borg and Crossan explained that when the Seminar gathers, members will vote for the authenticity of Potter’s words by casting Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Beans into a cauldron.

“A red cherry bean will indicate that an event actually took place in the life of Harry,” explained Borg. “On the other hand, a speckled vomit-flavored bean will indicate the event is doubtful, and a white sardine candy will denote an incident which never took place.”

“Personally,” said Crossan, “I expect to be casting a lot of speckled and white beans.” When questioned, he insisted that the reasons were strictly academic, and had nothing to do with the poor taste of the jelly beans in question.

“We’re completely unbiased,” insisted Borg, as he chewed a red cherry bean. “We just want to uncover the truth.”