CELESTIAL CITY — The Third Person of the Trinity appeared at the Pearly Gates today to announce new penalties for Christians who endorse their harebrained schemes by invoking his name. “I prefer operating behind the scenes,” said the Holy Spirit, in a still, small voice. “But people have gone too far with this ‘Spirit’s leading’ thing. I’m getting blamed for stuff I had nothing to do with!”
The Spirit, manifesting himself simultaneously as a tongue of fire and a mighty rushing wind, proceeded to enumerate his grievances. “Last week, Pastor Hutchison of First Christian in Paducah said I led him to preach on violence in the media. That’s an okay topic, but I was really hoping he’d talk about humility.” The Spirit shook his head sadly. “I guess he can’t tell the difference between eating chalupas and feeling my prompting.
“And each year,” continued the Spirit, “Pat Robertson comes out with new prophesies about the end of the world. Everybody’s entitled to their opinions (even when they’re wrong), but why does Pat blame it on me? I haven’t really spoken to him since he refused to repent of running for president.”
The Spirit described being unfairly associated with several “Spirit-Led Ministries” that are more accurately described as “Self-Serving Ego Trips.” Additionally, he regularly receives blame for church staff firings that arise from personality clashes rather than Divine intervention.
“I rarely have anything to do with those,” insisted the Spirit. “Next time you forget your Prozac, don’t blame me.”
Penalties for Violators
The Spirit outlined several forms of Spiritual Discipline for those who inappropriately invoke his name. “I hate to do this, but we’re being forced to institute a cash fine,” He said. “When Christians blame me for their lame ideas, I’ll take 10% of their income—yes, before taxes. That money should be mine anyway, but get real! How many of you are tithing?”
A reporter from a religious television network asked if the 10% policy has the support of other members of the Trinity. Suddenly, a thundercloud appeared overhead, and a lightning bolt nearly struck his camera.
“When it comes to pastors—who make up most of the repeat offenders,” continued the Spirit, “my plan has two parts. For violators who serve in non-charismatic churches, I will cause them to speak in tongues during their next sermon. That might seem a little harsh, but God and Jesus and I are pretty serious about this one.
“For leaders in Pentecostal denominations, I’ll revoke their Second Blessing. That ought to get their attention.”
In response to a reporter’s question, the Spirit categorically denied that His frustration was primarily due to Pat Robertson. “The problem goes far beyond Pat,” He said. “How would you feel if every time a Christian ate anchovies, he called it a ‘revelation’ and blamed it on you?”
The Spirit declined to give a date when the new penalties will take effect. “Let’s just say it could happen any time,” he said. “In other words … whenever the Spirit moves me.”
Note: The Holy Spirit spoke in various languages throughout the press conference. For clarity, each tongue has been translated into English.
Copyright © 2007 George Halitzka. All rights reserved. This article is SATIRE. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is coincidental.
